Tuesday, May 31, 2011
Monday, May 30, 2011
A Raging Blizzard
After trying to fix a flat tire during a raging blizzard, the young man jumped back into the car with his date and began rubbing his nearly frozen hands. "Let me warm them for you," she offered, placing his hands between her thighs.
When his fingers had thawed out, the chap rushed back to continue working on the tire, but he quickly returned again, complaining that his hands were numb with cold. As he reached under her skirt, she slid forward and whispered ecstatically, "Darling, aren't your ears cold, too?
When his fingers had thawed out, the chap rushed back to continue working on the tire, but he quickly returned again, complaining that his hands were numb with cold. As he reached under her skirt, she slid forward and whispered ecstatically, "Darling, aren't your ears cold, too?
Man Robs A Bank
A man walked into a branch of the Antelope Valley Bank and handed a teller a note demanding money. The man had one hand in his pocket, as if holding a gun, so the teller began handing over the contents of her cash drawer.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
When she had forked over $7,000 the robber said, "That's enough" and walked out the door. It's hard to find a bank robber who knows when he's had enough.
Why Do Men Die First
Why men die first is a question that has gone unanswered for centuries, but now we know:
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist; if you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation; if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment; if you keep quiet it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp; if you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination; if she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert; if you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist; if you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain; if you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something; if you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself; if you aren't you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired; if you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Men die first because they want to.
If you put a woman on a pedestal and try to protect her from the rat race, you're a male chauvinist; if you stay home and do the housework, you're a pansy.
If you work too hard, there's never any time for her; if you don't work enough, you're a good-for-nothing bum.
If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, this is exploitation; if you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your lazy behind and find something better.
If you get a promotion ahead of her, that is favoritism; if she gets a job ahead of you, it's equal opportunity.
If you mention how nice she looks, it's sexual harassment; if you keep quiet it's male indifference.
If you cry, you're a wimp; if you don't, you're an insensitive bastard.
If you make a decision without consulting her, you're a chauvinist; if she makes a decision without consulting you, she's a liberated woman.
If you ask her to do something she doesn't enjoy, that's domination; if she asks you, it's a favor.
If you appreciate the female form and frilly underwear, you're a pervert; if you don't, you're gay.
If you like a woman to shave her legs and keep in shape, you're sexist; if you don't, you're unromantic.
If you try to keep yourself in shape, you're vain; if you don't, you're a slob.
If you buy her flowers, you're after something; if you don't, you're not thoughtful.
If you're proud of your achievements, you're full of yourself; if you aren't you're not ambitious.
If she has a headache, she's tired; if you have a headache, you don't love her anymore.
Deep Thoughts #2
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
You read about all these terrorists -- most of them came here legally, but they hung around on these expired visas, some for as long as 10 -15 years Now, compare that to Blockbuster; you are two days late with a video and those people are all over you Let's put Blockbuster in charge of immigration
Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they use to?
Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather It pays no attention to criticism.
Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession I have come to realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Have A Politically Correct Halloween
Political correctness is taking its toll on Halloween. Consider some old Halloween activities, for example:
WITCH BURNING:
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on an outhouse. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged women.
WINDOW WAXING:
These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
TRICK-OR-TREATING:
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride free) dentifrice.
Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:
That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.
Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals, or their depiction, is a no-no.
Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too.
Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 2005 they will be mandatory.
And, finally, costumes:
Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot.
Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.
Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.
Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate.
Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.
Disney costumes. Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically- impaired, Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab- American lobby. Uncle Remus? You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat. A cow person? Perhaps, but don't pack a gun. And don't even think about punching a cow.
So there you are. The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone. And if someone scares you, you can't scream. In some communities, any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court. Until then, do so at your own risk.
WITCH BURNING:
Just singe one around the edges today and the ERA types will be on you like stink on an outhouse. What 30 centuries of white male authors used to call witches, are today respected as complexion-impaired, wardrobe-challenged women.
WINDOW WAXING:
These days you'll only set off the light-, noise-, motion-, and aroma-sensitive burglar alarm, and quickly exit in cuffs and revolving lights, if you're lucky enough not to leave prime filet of leg with the neighborhood rottweiler.
TRICK-OR-TREATING:
This obviously would be prosecuted as a violation of federal RICO [racketeering] statutes, except that most of the perpetrators are juveniles, and thus have the civil right to thumb their noses at the law and be back on the street before the candy runs out.
And then there are the treats themselves:
Candy should be dispensed only with balancing doses of Ritalin, soft-bristle toothbrushes and an effective (but fluoride free) dentifrice.
Apples should be organic, Alar-free, union-packed, washed in genuine American Zephyrhills water, and X-rayed before being handed out. Any worms should be housed, fed, read their rights, then returned to their native soil, or, if they so choose, given refugee status in yours.
Certain traditional Halloween games are not politically correct:
That icky old "autopsy" game in which you blindfold little kids and tell them a plate of spaghetti is guts and a bowl of peeled grapes is eyeballs will cost you your homeowners insurance because of the choking hazard, and due to the risk of suits for emotional damage.
Pin the tail on the donkey, with a real pin? Uh uh, cruelty to animals, or their depiction, is a no-no.
Bobbing for apples is permitted, as long as there's an equal (and not separate) opportunity to Jane for them, too.
Jill-o'-lanterns are encouraged, after 2005 they will be mandatory.
And, finally, costumes:
Ghosts are out of date. Casper is clearly a dead, white male, probably European, and full of hot air to boot.
Fairy princess costumes might offend both gays and feminists.
Frankenstein monster costumes will offend transplant recipients, not to mention employment-producing neck-bolt manufacturers.
Dracula outfits will bring stern warning letters from the Transylvanian consulate.
Those neat masks with jaws rotted away, eyes bulging on distended optic stalks and massive, oozing wounds will get you in trouble with lawyers who specialize in representing accident victims on contingency bases. Which is to say, all of them.
Disney costumes. Sleepy and Dopey will anger the vertically- impaired, Cinderella the adoption agencies, and Aladdin the Arab- American lobby. Uncle Remus? You might as well wear your robe and pointy hat. A cow person? Perhaps, but don't pack a gun. And don't even think about punching a cow.
So there you are. The scariest thing about Halloween these days is that you're not allowed to offend or scare anyone. And if someone scares you, you can't scream. In some communities, any auditory emissions over 75 decibels is a zoning violation punishable by a fine and/or jail term. Whether you can react instead with a sullen but non-denominational moment of silence will be considered later this term by the Supreme Court. Until then, do so at your own risk.
Funny But Reality,
Funny But Reality,
Our Parents Spend The First Years of Our Lives Teaching Us To Walk And Talk,
.
.
......
And The Next All Years Telling Us To Sit Down And Shut up"
Rule Of Success
Rule Of Success
.
.
Always Consult A Girl Before Doing Any
Important Task In Your Life.
.
....
And
.
.
Act Exactly Opposite To Her Advice
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